Friday, December 30, 2011

It has been more than 3 months since my last blog post. I’ve had so many more emotions in that time, but just never actually posted about them. I’m thinking I should make a private journal to keep track of all of my feelings so that I can go back and share them in the future if I feel like it would be helpful. That’s mostly all I’ve had the last couple of months is emotions. Mark is (Praise God!) still doing really well. After his first chemo treatment I was very discouraged because he was so sick. He had no energy at all. He said he couldn’t even watch TV. He just sat in his chair in the living room and looked out the front window watching our across- the- street neighbor’s flag wave in the wind. I thought that was how it was going to be from that time forward and I just couldn’t take it. I cried so much those few days thinking that I didn’t want that life for him. He had to sleep most of the time and I had to try so hard to keep the boys quiet for him. It was hard on the little guys. Carter would get so upset that he wasn’t allowed to have any friends come over because his Daddy was home and not doing well. I felt very depressed during that time. After a few days, Mark started to get some of his strength back and I started to feel a little better. Once he was able to go back to work, I felt like things would be ok after all. Now that he has been on the Avastin and chemo for 3 months, we have a better idea of what to expect after treatments. After the Avastin, Mark feels a lot of sinus pressure and has major allergy type symptoms. He sneezes a lot and feels a lot of congestion. That is bad for a couple of days and then gets a little better. After Chemo he is fine for about a day and then it hits him hard. He doesn’t throw up much. In fact, he has gained weight since starting chemo, which is of course much better than losing weight and becoming too thin. His whole body feels the effects of the chemo though. He has no energy at all. He does feel sick to his stomach, and he feels cold all the time. To me it seems like a severe case of flu. He sleeps a lot during those days and he has to miss a couple of days of work after each chemo treatment. He has been able to use vacation days so far so that his pay has not been affected from the time he has been out. He seems to be getting sick sooner after each chemo treatment and it seems to be more severe each time. I am afraid that there will be a time when he is no longer able to work, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. For now, we are just so thankful that he is even able to continue working full time. He just signed up for short term disability to take intermittently so that he will not run out of vacation days. It will be an adjustment to not get his full pay on those days, but we are thankful for the chance to use that so that he doesn’t run out of vacation days. It is important for us to be able to use those days for special time together as a family to make more memories. Mark and I are actually talking about going on a vacation together in the next couple of months. I hope it works out, because that would be amazing!
My dad’s wife passed away a couple of weeks ago, so that has brought about many more emotions. Carter asked if his NaNa was sick like his Daddy. I’m sure that it is so much for Colin and Carter’s little minds to take in. They have their moments of struggle, but overall I am very proud of how well they are doing.
Colin was baptized on the 18th. What an exciting day! We were so thankful that God allowed Mark to be here for the time when Colin accepted Christ, and for the baptism. That was a huge blessing!
Mark has made a new “bucket list” for this year. I am trying to get some of them to actually happen for him. We’ve had to start having some difficult conversations about Mark’s wishes for the end, burial and funeral things, etc. Those are hard talks to have and I hate having to discuss those things. I know it is important to be prepared for when the time comes , however.
I am almost finished reading a book right now called “The Color of Rain” It’s a beautiful story about a blended family. Both of the parents lost their spouses to cancer before they met. The man’s wife died of the same cancer as Mark, Glioblastoma, and she only survived 17 days after her diagnosis. That makes me feel so grateful that we are approaching the 2 year point with Mark pretty soon. What a miracle to still have him here with me! I cannot imagine my life without him!
Anyway, that’s the latest update on Mark. I hope everybody had a great Christmas! I’ll post again soon!
God Bless you all!