Tuesday, November 16, 2010

All about emotions (part 1)

I think my New Year’s resolution this year will be to keep this blog updated! I am so sorry that I’ve been terrible about it. I will be having more time now, so it should be much easier for me to keep my promise of trying to write each day.

I know I owe you all a lot of information. I think I may try to look back and tell you all about things that have happened in the past, but for now I just want to write about the present…
I can’t really say what Mark’s true feelings are, but he seems to be handling everything well right now. He has been my rock lately. The problem is that I want to be HIS rock. I want him to get to lean on me and depend on me to help him, but he has been the one to comfort me lately.
This blog is supposed to be about honest feelings. I know I have mentioned in the past that I worry sometimes about telling people what I really feel, because I was afraid of people thinking that my faith is wavering. I can tell you right now that I trust God 100%! Now, for the really honest, raw details. I have started seeing a counselor. She is an amazing Christian lady who actually specializes in working with family members of people with brain injuries. Be it cancer or some sort of trauma. This counselor was recommended to me by a person that I admire and love very much who has been going through the pain of having a husband with brain cancer for many years now. I know that has been difficult for her, but in some ways I am really jealous that she has had that time with her husband because I know we should not expect that much time with the type of cancer that Mark has. Anyway, this counselor has taught me that I do not need to fear for a second that my faith is wavering just because I am thinking about reality and trying to prepare for that. I know that God can see the big picture, when I can only see a tiny bit of it here. I know, without a single doubt, that He will allow to happen whatever is absolutely best. If God gives us the miracle we pray so hard for (complete healing) or the miracle of more time, we know that is His will. If he doesn’t add a single past the prognosis, we know that is His will. I know that I am going to be okay. God will provide what I need when I need it, BUT, that does not mean that I can’t hurt or have other emotions other than joy and peace. I am facing reality now. I am starting to grieve. Part of that process is facing the future. It helps me to know that things will be prepared. So, when I talk about that I want to get certified to be a teacher if I have to work full time in the future, it does NOT mean that I have given up on God. In fact, I am just allowing Him to help me and that is trusting Him. I will never stop praying for God to completely heal Mark or for Him to give us lots and lots of time together. I want to make sure everybody knows that before I write the next thing here. An emotion I have been encountering a lot lately, is anger. I am NOT angry at God, but I can’t help but ask Him a lot “why Mark?” I know that one day I will see the answer, but it doesn’t help me feel better now. There are so many people that try so hard to say the “right” words, but it actually stirs up anger inside of me. Remember that I am just being brutally honest here – I get really upset when people tell me to “stay positive”, “chin up”, “it will be okay”, “have faith”, or tell me they “know 100% that Mark is healed and that he will not die from this cancer” Again, I know that these people mean only the very best. They are trying so hard to be helpful and it is not their fault that I am having a hard time dealing with these emotions right now, so I am not in the least bit upset with any person that says these things. In fact, I appreciate so much how much they care and want to help me. God has blessed us with amazing friends and family and I appreciate each and every one of them along with every gesture of kindness.
Another thing I am really having a hard time with is seeing people whose marriages are falling apart. I have many friends who are now divorced or who are going through divorce. I have always looked forward to growing old with Mark. I have talked, since we got married 12 years ago, about looking forward to our 50th wedding anniversary. I KNOW that we could be the ones to make it. So WHY does it have to be Mark that is inflicted with a terminal cancer? He is an AMAZING man. Many of you have the privilege of knowing him, but for those of you that don’t, I hope you do get to experience his friendship. He is so sweet, kind, and thoughtful. He is a wonderful daddy and is admired by our boys. He is a godly man who spends time in God’s word daily. He is strong and he is THANKFUL that God chose him to reach people through his cancer. He said that if even 1 person comes to Christ because of what he is going through now, that it is all worth it and he would do it again in a heartbeat. Well, I know that he has touched more than one life! He is just amazing. He is the best husband I could ever ask for, the best daddy the boys could ever have, and the best friend people could ever need.
Unfortunately my time is up for now. I have to go to get the boys ready for school and get myself ready for CLC. Because of everything going on right now, I had to make the very difficult decision to quit working at CLC for now. This will be my last week. I have already cried plenty of tears over leaving my “family” there, but mostly for my “babies” in my classroom. I cannot tell you how attached I am to them. I love each and every one of them and feel a special bond with them. I can tell you that this Tuesday and Thursday will be filled with lots of hugs and snuggles with them!
I promise to make some time in the next couple of days to write some more. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. Please continue to pray for Mark and my family. God bless you!!